I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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