I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
