I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
