mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
