Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just took my morning after pill in the library
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
