she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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