Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
