Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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