2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
