WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
