is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
