Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
