the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i think i just lost a toe
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
