I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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