I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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