I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
