In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
