I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
