Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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