Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
