a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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