She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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