Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
