theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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