my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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