this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
