I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
