Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize