I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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