I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
