It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
