I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
