when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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