i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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