HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
