I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
