For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
