No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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