talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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