Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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