im six kinds of drunk right now
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
