Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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