There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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