i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
