I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
