It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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