I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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