Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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