We won't sleep together?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
