Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
