Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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