Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
