You're completely useless in the revolution.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
