We're like a lot better than the average bears
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
