All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
