It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
