I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
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