Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Vodka?
Forever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
