i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
