he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize