my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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