She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
